Self Worth

Well, its been a while since I've blogged. I decided for a while to keep my thoughts private and get a personal journal, while that was nice for while, I feel like its time for me to start blogging again.
Let me fill you in..
Lately, I feel really down in the dumps. I'm typically a happy person, I may not come off that way but I am. These past few months have been weighing on me a lot. Going through a breakup was really hard for me. I never thought I could lose the one person that I loved and thought I was going to marry. September has come and gone and we began to talk again. Lets call him Jim. Jim will be his name. Jim and I started to take things slow. He kept telling me to be patient and let him come to me. I would make every excuse in the book for him. Then my friends betrayed me, which is why I don't write in my journal anymore because it was supposed to be private and they read it, and made fun of me for it. That is what brought me and Jim back closer together. I started sleeping over again and it started to feel so right. October came and went, we fought a lot but only because he would get in these grumpy ass moods and he would take it out on me. Saturday he told me that I deserve better and that this is over. Well, me being such a pushover, I went to his house and we talked about it. He told me he never had someone like me before, someone that loved him so much. And now were here.

3 days later and I am still depressed. But why?

We said we were going to work it out instead of giving up, but why is that not good enough for me? Maybe because I want more. I want a fucking relationship. I want him to actually want me to sleep over and me not have to ask to hang out. I want him to ask me on a date. I want him to call me his girl. I want him to add me on instagram, I want him to post pictures with me, or atleast let me post a picture with him. I want him to be there when I say I'm upset and he already has plans, I want him to be able to tell his friends that I need him the most right now and he has to go. He has no problem canceling on me but he would never cancel on his friends. I feel so hopeless. I love him so much and I don't want to let him go because I'm afraid I would be making a mistake because what if I am just overthinking everything? I do that a lot. Maybe I am just tired. Tired of trying to please everyone. I feel like my life is crumbling and I can't get it together. I try so hard to make this relationship work and make him happy but also make myself happy. I work all the time, I can't catch a breath. I feel like I can never do anything right with my family. They always have something to say and I am sick of people trying to run my life. Don't tell me not to take out a loan when maybe I can't work anymore than I already am and I AM FUCKING STRESSED. I'm in college for god sakes, how much more can I do. When I tell work that im tired and i need a day off its like everyone gets mad because i dont work as much as them. My friends are probably getting tired of hearing about my problems, I know I would be. Tonight I came home and just cried..
I cried because I needed to, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to lay here and cry myself to sleep. I need to talk to someone, I tried and he was too busy for me tonight. So tonight Im just gunna cry.
I need to get out of this funk soon, its tiring.

signed,
a lost girl trying to find the yellow brick road

P.S lets not forget the fact that school is also a nightmare, Im probably failing all my classes.

It's been a while

Good morning,
It's been a while since I've blogged. I got a journal to vent personally since I've been dealing with a lot lately. I've realized lately that the most loyal people aren't always loyal. Since I can't keep a private journal, I figured I might as well make it public. Going through a break up is never easy. I don't care who you are or how old you are, if you love that person, it's never easy. I've come to realize that jealousy is such an ugly trait. I guess just my human nature I get lost in the idea that maybe there is someone else. It's a horrible way to think and by all means I know there isn't. We all fall short in some way, shape, or form and this is where I fall short. If you would've asked me two weeks ago if I would think we would get back together I would probably tell you no.. Today I have better hope that we will be back together and stronger than ever. He is my biggest supporter and gosh he never seems to amaze me. He was right, it took something small to happen to bring us back together and it did. If there's one thing I could tell you that I've learned is listen before you speak, don't speak when your angry because you will regret it. Communication is key in a relationship, with anyone. Lastly, don't lose hope and never stop trying for something you want.

You

no other feeling in the world is better than finding the one person you want to spend forever with.


After last week, after the biggest scare of my life.. Only a few know what I mean.. It opened up both of our eyes. He repeatedly said today "Kylie, I'm not going anywheres no matter what happens, I'm here, forever"

Forever... What is forever??

We may be doing this "love" thing all wrong, but hey, no ones perfect right?

" I love you"

Those three words are so incredibly powerful. I've always said omg so and so doesn't love him, they have only been together for what? 2 months?
For God sakes, who am I to judge a person for being happy.

I'm so happy.

He is my biggest motivation in school, wants the best for me
He is my competition, I mean I always like to win, in everything
He is my rock to lean on when I've had a shitty day.
He is my little cheerleader in the gym, makes me want to be healthier
But most of all
He is my perfect person ❤️


"How do you do that babe, make me feel like I'm, the only girl alive for you. I don't know what it is, that makes me fall like this. The first time in your arms I knew, the way you held me, I knew that this could be, what I've been waiting to find" 🎶


Sincerely,
A happy soul




Ps. I have school tomorrow 😭

happiness

This blog is going to be deep, but not for one to feel sorry for me, but for one to maybe relate or can understand.

Happiness is something every person wants but not every person has.

In order for you to make someone else happy, you have to make yourself happy first.

Kinda like love, in order for you to fully love someone else, you have to love yourself first.

This was always a struggle for me. Loving myself was a constant battle.

I never have a problem telling this story to anyone, because mainly I act like I just don't care.
That is my problem, I do care.
I don't have anxiety but I worry about shit I shouldnt even care about right now.

-"Who will walk me down the isle when I get married"

That is a prime example. I mean seriously, I should not worry about that right now.

For anyone who knows me, knows I have a really shitty background. My parents are selfish, inconsiderate, and just flat out low lives.

Every day is a constant battle with myself to prove to everyone that I am better than that. It isn't as easy as it sounds though. My family tells me often that they are so proud of me, but honestly, they shouldn't be. (well atleast thats how I feel). I never want to be compared to my mother or my father. That is my worst nightmare.

I always make jokes about not really having parents. Anthony goes home on Saturdays to see his mom and dad and spends the night, goes to church in the morning, then spends the Sunday afternoon playing outside and just enjoying the time with them. Natalie, if shes not working, goes home and has crawfish boils, or her mom will cook. Of course, everyone is invited. I usually always attend, because I mean lets face it, its the closest thing I have to a real family. Yeah, I have my grandparents, but its really not the same. While, I may be sitting around making jokes with the Disch/Babin family and enjoying their company, lets face it, I wish nothing more in this world than for me to be with my family doing the same thing. I miss my mom so much, there are times that I wish my friends could see how it used to be, how awesome she used to be. I miss coming home from school and having her pick me up and snuggle with me at night. Or even our bonfires and cookups we would have. Literally, all of Guilottte Lane was there. I miss the days when I didn't have to worry about her leaving because she would always return. She would cook my meals, and play barbies with me. We would go shopping together and spend so much quality time together. I miss it, with every ounce in me. She was the coolest mom. I miss when my mom got along with my family, and you never heard anyone say anything bad about her because she was a kick ass mom. Now, I cant go around anyone without them saying something along the lines of...

-"Did your mom ask you for money this week?"

-"OMG, your mom came over and asked papa for money, once again"

-"I babysat Savannah today and of course, your mom was late picking her up"

My mom used to never be that way. She let a man control her life. She lost two of her kids. She doesn't even care. That is the killer part. She makes everyone feel guilty for her, like we owe her something. If I don't give her money, she pulls the "Thats the lease you could do for me" card. I just don't get it. But it is something I have accepted, and I guess I just gotta move on. One day, I'll have my own family to spend my Sunday's with. Until then, I'll just be grateful.

My dad on the other hand, never was a daddys girl, he always favored the boys. Gosh, I would love to have a relationship with him, but it is seriously hopeless. He will never be the father I want him to be. My future husband has some high expectations, because I'll be damned if I marry a man like that.

Anyways,

These past few weeks, I've come to figure myself out. I realized that I am finally comfortable with myself. I love myself. I feel great. I look great.

If you think that is conceited of me to say, then sorry for ya. I finally realized that I am my own person. I don't need so and so to approve of something before I do it. If you don't like me for me, or if you only wanna be my friend when its convenient for you, then well.. fuck you. I'm so tired of living my life to please others. I'm going to live MY life to please ME. (This isn't aimed for anyone particular.) I am finally content with my life. I don't need to go out all the time to "fit in", or to have a social life. If my friends are real friends, they will still hang out with me outside of getting fucked up. They do, I think.

Also, I find myself getting angry because our relationship isn't the same. (Not Anthony)
I feel like I have been replaced. I don't like feeling replaced. I've been replaced all my life. I've always said so and so is my bestfriend, but that friend has always had someone closer to them than I was. I never had a mutual "bestfriend" thing. Sounds petty, but its true. I've never been someones bestfriend but they have always been mine.

That goes back to me being a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me, I want to be everyones friend. I wish I wasn't like that. It is a negative characteristic I obtain. But whatever.

Also, I tend to speak before I think, way more often than I should. I finally realized that I need to start thinking before I speak more often because I know I have hurt peoples feeling, not meaning to. Someone did this to me about a week ago, and it really hurt my feelings. I never told them anything because I guess I try to avoid conflict at all times, but it was like a stab in my face. Like hey, your not dating Anthony, let me remind you again when you're happy, that you ARENT official.. like that isnt already painful enough. I just needed to vent about that.

Well,

Work has been, well work. I realized that I have a job to make money, not friends.
and that is exactly what I've been doing.

$$$$$$$$$$$

I've been working on my fitness lately, feeling like Fergie, and Cady is my witness.
I feel so much better about my body and I feel healthier. I love going to the gym and working out. Feeling sore is weakness leaving my body.
One step closer to where I want to be.

and the not so boyfriend

yeah, he is my perfect person.
When you know, you just know. and boy do I just know.
Some may think I'm crazy for saying this, but I think I am falling in love with him, and when I am with him, seems to me like the feeling is mutual. This guy, is the one I want to spend my life with. There isn't one person who could come along and change that. He is so perfect for me. His imperfections and faults is what I admire most. Mainly, his strive to be the best he can be. His goals are so high and he is reaching them daily. I will continue to support his every decision in body building, because its what he loves to do. I will make sacrifices for him. He is my biggest motivator, my back bone, my best fucking friend. He strives for me to do my very best. 

My Reasons for Loving YOU
-The way he looks at me, 
-The way he grabs my hand, 
-The way he says "my" when he says baby, 
-The way he smiles at me, 
-The way he makes fun of my gums showing when I smile
-The way he tickles me.
-Him wanting to stay in bed with me all day instead of going to work
-Him making it known to everyone that I am his girl
-His way of making me feel wanted
-His maturity 
Lastly, and most importantly,
-His heart,
he has a heart of gold, I admire that shit.

anyways, its late and I am sleepy

goodnight.

expectation

Someone asked me today,
"Do you see yourself marrying this guy?"
"Do you like him enough to fight for him?"
"Do you think you really know him?"
As I give this some thought, I can't help but think that I know him so well. I feel like I've known him for years, honestly.
I always tell people,
"Time is the key"
"Only time will tell"
Seems like lately I can't even take my own advice.
I want to love you, 
I want to love you fully
I want to love your body
I want to love your soul
I want to love you so passionately
I want to love you like no one else has loved you before
I want to love all of you, your flaws and all.
But, that will come in this thing called time, right?!
I am the most stubborn and impatient person I know
I feel as if time is never on my side
I feel as if loving you is impossible
Or what if I already do and I just don't know it yet
I can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with you.. weird
I haven't felt so strongly about someone since my highschool sweetheart, whom I swore to anyone that I would spend the rest of my life with, puppy love.
But I'm not settling for puppy love,
I want real.
I want perfect, not for everyone, just for me
I want honest
I want it, and I want it to its max.
When I set my mind to something, I do it.
That is with anything, I've always been like that.
People always say, when you know, you know.
Well I already know, dammit.
So what are we waiting for?

sincerely,
an impatient little bitch

Sorry not sorry?

I'm tired of hearing people say I'm being impatient. Is it so bad that I want what I want and that's that? I know I made mistakes with him and I know he probably has a hard time trusting me now but damn, how long will it take for me to prove myself. I'm not one to wait around for nothing. You either want it or you don't. It's just that simple. I'm tired of hearing it takes time. It's not like I cheated on you. I am the type of person that is afraid of commitment. I've been hurt so many times before and when I see someone getting attached I push them away. Luckily I realized before it was too late. I now know what I want. Is that so hard for people to understand? It's not that I want the relationship title, it's more that we already act like we're together so what's stopping you? He met my family already, that's a big step for me. And for once, my family loves him. I'm not a patient person and I will eventually give up. Sadly, you either make time for me or bye and that's that. 

On Wednesdays we wear pink

You can't sit with us

Seems to be the contraversery at work right now. Stupid I know. Seems like this summer will be a repeat of last summer, one clique against another.. For no reason. Again, stupid, I know. And that one person always makes us choose sides. Can I be neutral? Is that a thing? I like to be everyone's friend.. My boss lady texted me and asked me if I was joining them for Destin again this summer and just when I was about to say fuck yes, I forgot, summer school. Anyways, as I lay here next to my sweet boy, I can't help but be so happy with my life, I'm so glad that he gave me another chance because I now realized what I was missing out on. And damn does he look good ;) well that was gay of me to say, but it's true. I accept him for his pastyness and all! 

Goodnight peeps!