happiness

This blog is going to be deep, but not for one to feel sorry for me, but for one to maybe relate or can understand.

Happiness is something every person wants but not every person has.

In order for you to make someone else happy, you have to make yourself happy first.

Kinda like love, in order for you to fully love someone else, you have to love yourself first.

This was always a struggle for me. Loving myself was a constant battle.

I never have a problem telling this story to anyone, because mainly I act like I just don't care.
That is my problem, I do care.
I don't have anxiety but I worry about shit I shouldnt even care about right now.

-"Who will walk me down the isle when I get married"

That is a prime example. I mean seriously, I should not worry about that right now.

For anyone who knows me, knows I have a really shitty background. My parents are selfish, inconsiderate, and just flat out low lives.

Every day is a constant battle with myself to prove to everyone that I am better than that. It isn't as easy as it sounds though. My family tells me often that they are so proud of me, but honestly, they shouldn't be. (well atleast thats how I feel). I never want to be compared to my mother or my father. That is my worst nightmare.

I always make jokes about not really having parents. Anthony goes home on Saturdays to see his mom and dad and spends the night, goes to church in the morning, then spends the Sunday afternoon playing outside and just enjoying the time with them. Natalie, if shes not working, goes home and has crawfish boils, or her mom will cook. Of course, everyone is invited. I usually always attend, because I mean lets face it, its the closest thing I have to a real family. Yeah, I have my grandparents, but its really not the same. While, I may be sitting around making jokes with the Disch/Babin family and enjoying their company, lets face it, I wish nothing more in this world than for me to be with my family doing the same thing. I miss my mom so much, there are times that I wish my friends could see how it used to be, how awesome she used to be. I miss coming home from school and having her pick me up and snuggle with me at night. Or even our bonfires and cookups we would have. Literally, all of Guilottte Lane was there. I miss the days when I didn't have to worry about her leaving because she would always return. She would cook my meals, and play barbies with me. We would go shopping together and spend so much quality time together. I miss it, with every ounce in me. She was the coolest mom. I miss when my mom got along with my family, and you never heard anyone say anything bad about her because she was a kick ass mom. Now, I cant go around anyone without them saying something along the lines of...

-"Did your mom ask you for money this week?"

-"OMG, your mom came over and asked papa for money, once again"

-"I babysat Savannah today and of course, your mom was late picking her up"

My mom used to never be that way. She let a man control her life. She lost two of her kids. She doesn't even care. That is the killer part. She makes everyone feel guilty for her, like we owe her something. If I don't give her money, she pulls the "Thats the lease you could do for me" card. I just don't get it. But it is something I have accepted, and I guess I just gotta move on. One day, I'll have my own family to spend my Sunday's with. Until then, I'll just be grateful.

My dad on the other hand, never was a daddys girl, he always favored the boys. Gosh, I would love to have a relationship with him, but it is seriously hopeless. He will never be the father I want him to be. My future husband has some high expectations, because I'll be damned if I marry a man like that.

Anyways,

These past few weeks, I've come to figure myself out. I realized that I am finally comfortable with myself. I love myself. I feel great. I look great.

If you think that is conceited of me to say, then sorry for ya. I finally realized that I am my own person. I don't need so and so to approve of something before I do it. If you don't like me for me, or if you only wanna be my friend when its convenient for you, then well.. fuck you. I'm so tired of living my life to please others. I'm going to live MY life to please ME. (This isn't aimed for anyone particular.) I am finally content with my life. I don't need to go out all the time to "fit in", or to have a social life. If my friends are real friends, they will still hang out with me outside of getting fucked up. They do, I think.

Also, I find myself getting angry because our relationship isn't the same. (Not Anthony)
I feel like I have been replaced. I don't like feeling replaced. I've been replaced all my life. I've always said so and so is my bestfriend, but that friend has always had someone closer to them than I was. I never had a mutual "bestfriend" thing. Sounds petty, but its true. I've never been someones bestfriend but they have always been mine.

That goes back to me being a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me, I want to be everyones friend. I wish I wasn't like that. It is a negative characteristic I obtain. But whatever.

Also, I tend to speak before I think, way more often than I should. I finally realized that I need to start thinking before I speak more often because I know I have hurt peoples feeling, not meaning to. Someone did this to me about a week ago, and it really hurt my feelings. I never told them anything because I guess I try to avoid conflict at all times, but it was like a stab in my face. Like hey, your not dating Anthony, let me remind you again when you're happy, that you ARENT official.. like that isnt already painful enough. I just needed to vent about that.

Well,

Work has been, well work. I realized that I have a job to make money, not friends.
and that is exactly what I've been doing.

$$$$$$$$$$$

I've been working on my fitness lately, feeling like Fergie, and Cady is my witness.
I feel so much better about my body and I feel healthier. I love going to the gym and working out. Feeling sore is weakness leaving my body.
One step closer to where I want to be.

and the not so boyfriend

yeah, he is my perfect person.
When you know, you just know. and boy do I just know.
Some may think I'm crazy for saying this, but I think I am falling in love with him, and when I am with him, seems to me like the feeling is mutual. This guy, is the one I want to spend my life with. There isn't one person who could come along and change that. He is so perfect for me. His imperfections and faults is what I admire most. Mainly, his strive to be the best he can be. His goals are so high and he is reaching them daily. I will continue to support his every decision in body building, because its what he loves to do. I will make sacrifices for him. He is my biggest motivator, my back bone, my best fucking friend. He strives for me to do my very best. 

My Reasons for Loving YOU
-The way he looks at me, 
-The way he grabs my hand, 
-The way he says "my" when he says baby, 
-The way he smiles at me, 
-The way he makes fun of my gums showing when I smile
-The way he tickles me.
-Him wanting to stay in bed with me all day instead of going to work
-Him making it known to everyone that I am his girl
-His way of making me feel wanted
-His maturity 
Lastly, and most importantly,
-His heart,
he has a heart of gold, I admire that shit.

anyways, its late and I am sleepy

goodnight.