Well, its been a while since I've blogged. I decided for a while to keep my thoughts private and get a personal journal, while that was nice for while, I feel like its time for me to start blogging again.
Let me fill you in..
Lately, I feel really down in the dumps. I'm typically a happy person, I may not come off that way but I am. These past few months have been weighing on me a lot. Going through a breakup was really hard for me. I never thought I could lose the one person that I loved and thought I was going to marry. September has come and gone and we began to talk again. Lets call him Jim. Jim will be his name. Jim and I started to take things slow. He kept telling me to be patient and let him come to me. I would make every excuse in the book for him. Then my friends betrayed me, which is why I don't write in my journal anymore because it was supposed to be private and they read it, and made fun of me for it. That is what brought me and Jim back closer together. I started sleeping over again and it started to feel so right. October came and went, we fought a lot but only because he would get in these grumpy ass moods and he would take it out on me. Saturday he told me that I deserve better and that this is over. Well, me being such a pushover, I went to his house and we talked about it. He told me he never had someone like me before, someone that loved him so much. And now were here.
3 days later and I am still depressed. But why?
We said we were going to work it out instead of giving up, but why is that not good enough for me? Maybe because I want more. I want a fucking relationship. I want him to actually want me to sleep over and me not have to ask to hang out. I want him to ask me on a date. I want him to call me his girl. I want him to add me on instagram, I want him to post pictures with me, or atleast let me post a picture with him. I want him to be there when I say I'm upset and he already has plans, I want him to be able to tell his friends that I need him the most right now and he has to go. He has no problem canceling on me but he would never cancel on his friends. I feel so hopeless. I love him so much and I don't want to let him go because I'm afraid I would be making a mistake because what if I am just overthinking everything? I do that a lot. Maybe I am just tired. Tired of trying to please everyone. I feel like my life is crumbling and I can't get it together. I try so hard to make this relationship work and make him happy but also make myself happy. I work all the time, I can't catch a breath. I feel like I can never do anything right with my family. They always have something to say and I am sick of people trying to run my life. Don't tell me not to take out a loan when maybe I can't work anymore than I already am and I AM FUCKING STRESSED. I'm in college for god sakes, how much more can I do. When I tell work that im tired and i need a day off its like everyone gets mad because i dont work as much as them. My friends are probably getting tired of hearing about my problems, I know I would be. Tonight I came home and just cried..
I cried because I needed to, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to lay here and cry myself to sleep. I need to talk to someone, I tried and he was too busy for me tonight. So tonight Im just gunna cry.
I need to get out of this funk soon, its tiring.
signed,
a lost girl trying to find the yellow brick road
P.S lets not forget the fact that school is also a nightmare, Im probably failing all my classes.
